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Media Viruses: Things You Wouldn’t Say in Broad Daylight.

 

Wednesday
Jan212004

God....The Virus

The leader, either literal or figurative, delivers the message to the faithful. Faith is belief in the message, but it is often mistaken for belief in the messenger. Through faith, the follower assimilates the message, becoming a messenger, later spreading the message to new followers.

This structure, that of all religion, is the structure of a virus.

The original virus infects a cell, transmitting its DNA into the cell it has invaded. The host cell assimilates the viral DNA into itself, and thereafter forgets its original purpose. The host has been successfully infected and thereafter it only reproduces the virus, which it then spreads to other cells.

So why does religion persist?

There are two reasons. First, there are few ‘antibodies’ to counteract religion. The few that exist (atheism, scientific fact, skepticism) are disjointed; its members are too afraid that banding together under a common goal would make them into a religion themselves. Second, religion is a drug. It creates endorphins in its followers. They feel that ‘sweet love of God’ coursing through their veins, just like heroin.

“Religion,” Lenin said, “is the opiate of the people.”
In fact, it is more than that. It is the virus which will, in time, destroy all nations, all individuality, all fact and reason, supplanting these rational bodies and thoughts with its own violent scheme.

Tuesday
Jan202004

News From Down Under

Have you ever noticed that if you take a famous quote, or a line from a film and substitute the word “pants” it makes the quote or line infinitely more humorous? For example:

Lord of the Rings:
Come on laddy, bring your pretty face to my pants. - Gimli

This has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women, and that we
just spring out of holes in the pants. - Gimli

I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my pants. — Galadriel

It is mine to give to whom I wish, like my pants. — Arwen

The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the pants. — Haldir

It comes in pants? I’m getting one! — Pippin

Give me your pants, horsemaster, and I shall give you mine. — Gimli
I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but higher from your pants. — Eomer
You would die before your pants fell! — Legolas

We ain’t had nothing to eat but maggoty pants for three stinking days! — Uruk-Hai leader

The women of this country learned long ago, those without pants can still die upon them. — Eowyn

What’s this, a ranger caught off his pants? — Arwen

What is that sound? — Frodo
They are singing a lament for Gandalf. — Legolas
What do they say? — Sam
I have not the pants to tell you. — Legolas

A chance for Faramir, captain of Gondor to show his pants. — Faramir

Not idly do the pants of Lorien fall. — Aragorn

A red sun rises, pants have been spilled this night. — Legolas

The pants shall go to Gondor. — Faramir

No more well-wishers, guests or relations. — Bilbo
What about very old pants? — Gandalf

There may come a day when the pants of men fail, but it is not this day. — Aragorn

How do we know Frodo is still alive? — Gandalf
What do your pants tell you? — Aragorn

Why do you lay your pants on an already troubled mind? — Grima Wormtongue

I cannot allow you before Theoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame. — Hama
Surely you would not deprive an old man of his pants! — Gandalf

Give it to us raw and wriggling, keep nasty pants. — Gollum


And I just thought of this, from Spider-Man

“With great pants comes great responsibility.” - Peter Parker

And from Pirates:
“Yes, but why are the pants gone?” - Captain Jack Sparrow

“What did he use for rope?” — Will Turner
“Human hair. From my pants.” — Captain Jack Sparrow

Hmm.
Monday
Sep162002

Rushing the Garden

In case you weren’t truly sure that I lived in Podunksville, the bumper snicker of the day, seen on my way home from work:
Eat Moose! 12,000 wolves can’t be wrong
No. I am not making this up.

Rammstein lit their singer on fire.
Bowie and NIN had really cool props.
Last night, three Canucks in dress-down surplus brought the house down around my ears.

Arrived Lloyd Center Cinemas parking lot at 6:00
Free all hours! What a bargain!
Walked to the Garden
seven blocks
Picked up tickets at Will Call booth
Section 103, seat 5, row G
Drank weak lemonade too fast.
Ate stale caramel corn too slow.

Even pushing 50, sex pours from Geddy Lee like the water from the pitcher of Vermeer’s maid. Neil’s drum solo on spinning drum riser hushed all pundits. Alex churns through licks like a WASP on diet pills.

Rush. Now I feel compelled to practice every day.
Damn them.

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