One free miracle per customer, plz, kthx

I think I’ve already mentioned how much I hate SPAM.  No, not the canned kind (although that is detestible as well), but rather the kind that comes through the tubes of internets.  What I hate more than unsolicited SPAM, or even semi-solicited SPAM (such as when I put my email address into a query box to join some service or whatever, knowing full well I’ll get SPAM within a nanosecond of hitting “submit”) is FriendSPAM. 

You know what I’m talking about.

This is when your friend sends you a funny email that they just “had to share!!!”

In the case of something cute, like pictures of doggies, kittties, and ducklings getting along together in three-part harmony, or Lolcats or something, well then, okay, fine.  I’ll deal with being on your silly email SPAM list because all you did was give 30 or 40 people I don’t know my email address, and in return I got a great picture of something I could have Googled, but hey, that’s life, right?  That’s why you and I are friends.  That’s why I pick your drunk ass up at the bar, herd you into a vehicle, drive you home, schlep you inside, and hold your head while you puke.  Because I love you.  Send me your cutie-pie spam; I’ll learn to deal.

The ones that piss me off are the ones that tell me nothing I didn’t already know, give me nothing I wanted or enjoyed, and then proceed——here’s the part that really gets me going——to *INSTRUCT* me, in no uncertain terms, to PASS THE SPAM ALONG TO MORE UNSUSPECTING INDIVIDUALS.

To whom it may concern:  It’s such a kind offer, but I’m capable of making my own decisions about to whom I’ll send email, tvym. 

Usually, this is accomplished by assuring me that I will get good things by passing the email on.  Such as the one I got this morning from my friend (name ommitted to protect the guilty party, but starts with a “P” and rhymes with “Paul”).

It ended with the stunningly un-verafiable claim that I should “Pass this message to 7 more people,” because if I do, “[I] will recieve a miracle tomorrow!”

I’m so tempted to write to Paul tomorrow night and ask him what miracle he received.

But wait, there’s more!

The email also specifies that I should forward it to “no more than 7 people.”  If I send it to more than 7 people, I will STEAL THE 8TH PERSON’S MIRACLE!!!!!  

1 miracle per person.  Void where prohibitted.  No purchase necessary.

The actual substance of this email was a story about an old man and finding true happiness, etc.  The person who originally composed it (and who knows who they were, it’s been forwarded so many times) implied that they had stumbled upon these wise observations themself:

1)  Free your heart from hatred
2)  Free your mind from worries
3)  Live simply
4)  Give more
5)  Expect less

Hmmmm……seems to me I’ve read that somewhere?  ::scratches head::  Oh, wait.  It’s coming to me……little Hindu guy?  Some kind of prince?  Attained enlightenment and started an offshoot philosophy called Buddhism?  What was that little guy’s name? 

Siddhartha!  That’s it!  Woot!  I’m getting enlightened already!

Instead of passing this crap on, I just use the magic of the delete button and it dissappears!

Wow.  What a miracle.